Episode 48 - Lauren and Tirzah's Conception Journey

Lauren and Tirzah are an interracial, queer married couple who tell their conception story in this episode. They discuss with Josie how they navigated the ups and downs leading up to the current moment where they are pregnant, as well as the importance of advocating for your partner in medical settings, and how they navigated hardships that come with systemic inequality in the medical system. 

[ID: A beige background and orange semi-circle. Text reads: The Intersectional Fertility Podcast Episode 48: Lauren and Tirzah, @_theplayingfield and @nearlywedcoaching, Photo by Nina Larson, and Josie Rodriguez-Bouchier @intersectionalfertility.]

Content Warning: This episode discusses medical malpractice, unethical medical treatment, and reproductive loss.

Check out Tirzah's website and follow her on Instagram.
Follow Lauren on Instagram.

Photo by Nina Larson.

Episode transcript:

Disclaimer: This is an automatically generated transcript edited to be more readable. It may not be 100% accurate.

[00:00:00] Josie: I am Josie Rodriguez-Bouchier, and this is the Intersectional Fertility Podcast, where ideas and identities intersect to deepen our understanding of fertility and ultimately our Whole Selves.

[00:00:32] Y'all, I'm so excited to let you know that Fertile registration is open. Fertile is a queer, trans, and non-binary centered five week online program for folks with wombs to reclaim power over their fertility journey and can conceive using my Whole Self Fertility Method. Healthcare practitioners and community workers, you are welcome to join us and become certified in the Whole Self Fertility Method.

[00:00:58] Head over to intersectionalfertility.com/fertile to check out all the program details and register now. Sliding scale is available for all and scholarships are available for Black,Indigenous, and People of the Global Majority join us. It's gonna be so much fun, I'll see you there

[00:01:16] Tirzah, she/her is from Boulder, Colorado, and spent 10 years in New York City. She considers herself a retired social worker after a 10 year career in domestic violence and trauma work. She is now the owner and creator of NearlyWed Coaching, a three service business offering, wedding coaching, premarital coaching, and officiating services. NearlyWed Coaching is a queer owned business that strives to provide an affirming space for queer couples navigating the wedding industry. 

[00:01:56] Lauren, she/her, is from Texas and spent 15 years in California before moving to Denver. She's a licensed clinical social worker and currently works at the VA as a social work program coordinator.

[00:02:09] She is the owner and creator of The Playing Field, which is a cards and collectibles business. Tirzah and Lauren met at Denver Pride in 2017. They immediately felt a connection, and soon after knew they had found their person and got married in 2019. They've been on a two and a half year journey to start their family and are now very happy to announce that they're pregnant and expecting their little one to arrive in May 2023.

[00:02:44] All right. Welcome back to the podcast everyone, and welcome Tirzah and Lauren. 

[00:02:50] Tirzah: Hello. 

[00:02:51] Lauren: Hello. 

[00:02:52] Josie: So glad to have you here. Will each of you share with us your pronouns and where you're joining us from today? 

[00:03:00] Tirzah: She/her, and we are in Denver. 

[00:03:04] Lauren: Yes, that was Tirzah. I'm also she/her yeah. And we're located out in sunny Denver, Colorado.

[00:03:14] Josie: Nice, yes. That's where I am as well. So I actually did not include this question in the questions, but I just thought of it as I was reading your bio, the brief mention of how y'all met. I would love to know more about that story, just of how you met and came together and all that good stuff. 

[00:03:30] Lauren: Yeah, you're definitely the storyteller. Tirzah is storyteller. 

[00:03:34] Tirzah: So Lauren and I have mutual friends in common, and this is a very gay story about how met, but we met at Denver Pride cause Lauren, the story is actually Lauren came out to visit her friend a month before Pride. And her friend was like, well, you're gonna come back for Pride.

[00:03:56] And Lauren's thinking, probably not, I was just here a month ago, but let me look at flights. And found a $90 flight round trip. From LA to Denver, which is unheard of. And so it was just this moment of like, obviously this needs to happen. 

[00:04:10] Lauren: Yeah. Serendipitous for sure. 

[00:04:12] Tirzah: Yeah, and so she comes out, we have one friend who's kind of instigating, like asking us both what our types are, kind of thinking we would like each other, which we both, we weren't really, we were not in the mindset to find our person. 

[00:04:26] We were in the mindset of like, let's have fun and just be out there and living our best lives as single people. And so we kind of ignored our friend who was trying to like, hook us up. We're like, yeah, yeah, whatever. Sure, sounds great. But didn't really think much of it.

[00:04:40] And then we ended up being in the same bar the day before, which is Blush and Blue, which is very small, bar and didn't meet each other. Didn't see each other, even though our friends were still there with like us just kind of going back and forth. But we never ended up seeing each other. And then the next day at Pride, I was with all my friends in this grassy area, Denver Pride, and I went to go pee and I came back and Lauren was there and it like shocked me because.

[00:05:08] I know she wasn't there before I left to the bathroom. Like I knew who was there and that was not the person who was there. And so I outta the reaction, I just look cuz she's standing up and I'm sitting down. I just look at her and I say, where did you come from? 

[00:05:24] Lauren: I was sitting down, you were standing up.

[00:05:27] Tirzah: I was? Oh yeah. 

[00:05:30] Lauren: You just came back. 

[00:05:31] Tirzah: You were sitting down. I was standing, you said Earth. And I was like, okay, this is classy, and I can roll with this. And so then from there on, we just like really connected. We spent the whole day together. Our friends were like, we're tired, we're gonna leave it.

[00:05:45] We're like, we don't care. We were kind of like in this bubble with each other right away. Which lasted forever. She was long distance and then we ended up just like falling in love really fast. And then we were like adamant not to be like the stereotype and do the U-Haul thing, but she moved here and like got her own apartment, which was a very expensive storage unit.

[00:06:11] Cause she never lived there. But Principal, we were like, we're not gonna do this stereotype. And then, but we kind of did anyways. And then, yeah, we moved in together and then got married in 2019. 

[00:06:26] Josie: Oh, I love it. I love that story. 

[00:06:31] Lauren: Yeah. It's pretty awesome. I mean, I had a friend who lived out here, and I had been visiting her for the past 10 years coming back and forth from Los Angeles to Denver. So I kind of already created my own little network of people here throughout the decade. 

[00:06:46] And I had already been thinking, you know, I wanna leave, Los Angeles is just getting crazy, chaotic, and just the cost of living right and everything else. Now living in Denver, people like what? But at the time right, it was just like, I'm ready to move on to something else, and yeah. And behold, yeah, just I ended up moving, and getting a girlfriend. Then a wife! 

[00:07:15] Josie: Oh, that's so awesome. I love that. I love when the pieces just kind of fall into place and it just feels so easy. 

[00:07:23] Lauren: Yeah. 

[00:07:23] Josie: Yeah. That's so cool. So I would love to talk about each of your experiences around like family building. What have your feelings been throughout your life about having children?

[00:07:37] Did you have examples of queer families around you? 

[00:07:40] Lauren: I'm like, this is Lauren again. Ultimately for me, it had always been something that I had, I grew up with a, in a very big family. When I say very big, my grandmother had 12 children. My grandparents, 12 children on my mother's side, eight on my father's side.

[00:07:56] And so I had plenty of cousins. You know, my sisters and brothers, like everybody, always everywhere all the time. And so I was very connected to that experience of having a family. There was no other way for me to be. I just love that idea and that environment and building your own tribe and having folks around.

[00:08:22] So I loved it. I took care of my cousins when they were younger, so yeah, I kinda had that experience of what it would be like to have a family. So it's always been a yes for me. Like I knew that I wanted children growing up. 

[00:08:41] Josie: And were there like any queer examples of family building?

[00:08:45] Lauren: Not in my family at that time. I had like friends later on in life who started having children. So I had that experience of having my friends who were really close and, you know, friends. Yeah. But family, around me. Chosen family that had children.

[00:09:07] So, you know, I was Auntie Boogs, right, and that name. And so I've had that experience and that kind of led to me thinking about what that would look like ultimately for me. At that time, I didn't have a partner, so it was just like, okay, well, I have an example in front of me. So I know what the, kind of knew the steps. 

[00:09:32] Josie: Right, cool. What about you, Tirzah? 

[00:09:36] Tirzah: Not as big as a family, but I think I've always been that person who knew I wanted to have kids eventually. At some point. Always have that instinct and desire to, you know, feel what it was like to get pregnant and have a family and be a parent and all that.

[00:09:51] I was straight most of my life, so I was in a very much of like a hetero environment and a hetero bubble of like, this is what a family looks like. And so it was never something where I was like, is this something I could have or not have? Because I didn't really come out until I was 25, and a lot older and living in New York City and just around a lot of queer people and like a completely different world.

[00:10:12] Cause I grew up in Boulder, Colorado, and at the time there just weren't any queer kids in my school. It just wasn't, there was no one who was living that authentic life. And so it didn't even cross my mind until I moved to New York City. And then I like was exposed to a lot of diversity and different types of people and that's when everything changed for me.

[00:10:37] But I did grow up with two queer aunts who ended up doing IUI I believe, and had each had a child. And so that was something that was part of my life that I could see whether I was identifying as queer or not at the time. But I do remember that very vividly being like, oh, that's really cool. Like this is how they created their family. And that was something that seemed like a total possibility. So I remember that being younger. 

[00:11:04] Josie: Oh, that's awesome. That's really cool. Yeah. New York City is quite different from Boulder, Colorado. 

[00:11:11] Lauren: Yeah. 

[00:11:12] Tirzah: I can say that. 

[00:11:14] Josie: I love it. So I'm also wondering more specifically, was there a time that each of you sort of knew you were ready to start conceiving, like with each other, and what did that look like for each of you?

[00:11:26] Lauren: You're looking at me. 

[00:11:27] Tirzah: I wonder what you're gonna say. 

[00:11:30] Lauren: I think this is hilarious. You're like, could you repeat the question? 

[00:11:34] Tirzah: Ok, I'll go first. When we knew we had found our person and it was just so clear that we were supposed to be together and there was no doubt or questions in the relationships we'd had before with people where like, it would get more serious and they, you know, and I think for both of us in our previous relationships, there was always this feeling of like, oh, I don't know if this is the right thing for me. 

[00:11:58] Right. Or maybe try to like make it, force it, but with each other. We just knew this is who we would be with and spend the rest of our lives with. And we both knew having family was gonna be a part of that. And I think that's something that like most people talk about at the beginning of a relationship, do you want kids?

[00:12:14] Do you not? It's not everyone. And if you don't, we recommend, you should. We knew we had that compatibility in one of the same thing. For me specifically, I was definitely on this mindset of I wanted us to get married first and do that, those steps. 

[00:12:32] And so I remember feeling some anxiety around like, when are you gonna propose to me because I want us to family soon because we're not getting any, like, just kinda the societal pressures of like, you're not getting younger, like biological time clock, all that stuff was in my head. 

[00:12:49] And so I remember definitely feeling like, okay, we need to like get, do these things. And it wasn't to like rush it, it was just cause we knew we wanted to get married. We wanted to have children, right? And so I think from the beginning of being together, that was always a part of our like, journey together.

[00:13:07] But then definitely like after we got married, it was right away like, okay, what do we need to do? How do we start this process? 

[00:13:14] Lauren: Definitely something that we knew, you know, having found our person. We were like, okay, now it can become a reality, right?

[00:13:23] Because I was thinking, even before we met, having those queer examples around me, a family and my friends having kids and things like that. And I was getting older, I was like, okay, maybe, you know, and I did have an example of a queer parent who was doing this on their own pretty much.

[00:13:41] And so, I was like okay, well maybe this is something that I'll be able to do on my own. And I was probably thinking that a couple months before we met, which was kind of, again, the serendipity there. Is like, I didn't ultimately end up having to do that on my own. I found my person, I found somebody who had those, I always, talk about the three Cs of compatibility.

[00:14:06] Compatibility for me, which are, you know, you gotta have chemistry, right? You have to have common goals, and then you have to have that compatibility. Things that you like to do. And that compatibility for us was wanting to have a family. And that would, that was pretty, that was a very important factor in us moving forward, progressing in our relationship. 

[00:14:30] Josie: Oh, that's cool. Yeah, that makes sense. That that was just kind of like there from the beginning as part of a shared vision. Yeah, I love that. 

[00:14:41] Did any fears come up for either one of you around deciding to just go ahead and do the thing? 

[00:14:50] Lauren: Yeah, I mean, there's so many pieces of it, right? There's the financial aspect, right? There's like that fear of like, oh my gosh, this is a really big undertaking financially, right? Fiscally, there's the fear for me as being a Black woman and knowing if I carried a term, the mortality rates and things of that nature, that was, I think one of my biggest fears.

[00:15:17] When we kind of, when we started out on this journey is just making sure that I had the right people around me to advocate, advocate for me, and, you know, make sure that I was gonna be safe and caring. That was, that was probably the biggest fear that was kind of, was always at the forefront.

[00:15:35] I don't wanna say in the back of my head, but it was, it was definitely at the forefront. 

[00:15:38] Tirzah: Yeah, that was a big one. And I think being her partner, that was of fear for me as well. What could come from this? What harm could come from this? I don't remember feeling fear so much at the time, more so the anxiety of like, get this done and do it. 

[00:16:00] And like, I think there was a lot of ignorance at the time, now that we've been through what we've been through, as far as not really fully understanding what we were getting into. Like we really didn't know what we were really doing. We just went through the motions and it was very overwhelming. 

[00:16:21] But I remember feeling more anxiety than anything of just how much time everything took. And feeling like that was really stressful. But also like not knowing what we didn't know. Like there was a lot, we just didn't know what was coming. Definitely agree with like the financial, you know, fear.

[00:16:42] And just like the fear of the unknown of what this would actually end up looking like. But a lot of projection, a lot of like, well if we get pregnant now, then we'll have a baby in this month and then there'll be this sign and all these things. I'm like, it did never end up being that. And so a lot of growth through the process of like learning how to be patient probably more so and not like project and just like trust the process. But I know I'm kinda getting ahead of your question, but Yeah. 

[00:17:11] Josie: No, that's so good. Yeah. I see that sort of shift happen and a lot of families that I work with where it's like they start off feeling much more in control. And then throughout the process you see them shifting and really letting go of that control. Yeah. And like you said, kind of leaning more into trusting and Yeah, boy. 

[00:17:35] Tirzah: And there's a very specific part of our story where we did that, that we'll talk about, where really let go for a very long time. We were very much, especially me, cause I think it's more my personality holding on really tight to everything and wanting to have that control. 

[00:17:52] Josie: So, I would like to talk more about specifically the conception experience. So will you share with us kind of the story of your conception journey and kind of where it began and how it went? 

[00:18:05] Lauren: Yes, indeed. Four score, and...

[00:18:11] I mean, our conception journey was not a journey that we thought we would take at all. We did not believe, if you would've told us then that that's what it was gonna look like we would've been like, what are you talking about? We ultimately started out doing IUI. And the reason why is that I get that coverage for free.

[00:18:41] This is kind of where we come to our story of, you know, sometimes free isn't always the best, right. It's like really, you know, encouraging people to zoom out and, I know that financial piece and the fiscal piece can always be overwhelming. But it's like, what's gonna be the best steps for you and your family?

[00:19:05] And so ultimately we did the IUI turns out, you know, we went to an institution that just was not the best. Our journey started out, but we had a doctor and then we didn't have a doctor. We had a plan, and then the plan just was like all over the place. I think I not, I think I know I did probably six IUIs, which if I were to say six, IUIs out to any other, probably professional, they'd be like, whoa.

[00:19:35] Like, why did you do that many before moving on. And again, it, you know, I think the institution probably took a little bit of advantage of the fact that we get up to that many IUIs for free and they were just like, keep it going. We did a test ultimately that's supposed to verify that's your fallopian tubes are clear and open. 

[00:19:59] And that test, I guess they did one that was antiquated and was a much older test. A lot of the professionals aren't using that test anymore. And then that they proceeded forward with with IUI. Come to find out after the sixth IUI, we were just like, 

[00:20:17] Tirzah: Which was about a year, right? 

[00:20:18] Lauren: That was probably about a year of our time. So that's a year of our time wasted going, you know, Doing all the steps, doing all the injections. 

[00:20:25] Tirzah: All the hormones. Also, not to mention the emotional rollercoaster we went on. Yeah. So every time we did IUI we always got really excited and hopeful waiting to see if she was pregnant. And so we'd be like, on these highs and then we'd have a low, so we had six times of having to be at like really sad, disappointed feeling. And I also remember feeling really like no one cared about us. 

[00:20:49] And that we were just like lost in this system because we didn't really have a doctor. And when we finally got a doctor assigned to us, cause the doctor we originally had left. And now that we know about this clinic, we probably know why. 

[00:21:03] But we were assigned another doctor who like clearly didn't, to be honest, give a shit about us. Like when we would talk to him, it was just like he was just rushing through speaking so fast, like didn't even understand him.

[00:21:14] Right, like not taking the time. Like we would, I remember asking like, why isn't this working? Do we need to try something else? And he was like, no, no, no and just kind of dismissive and stuff. So it felt really crappy, but at the same time we didn't know anything else.

[00:21:30] Like this was the only experience we were having. We also didn't have anyone close to us at the time who was going through something similar. So we didn't really have anyone to talk to or look to or ask questions. And so that was really hard. Cause we were just kind of, on our own, figuring out.

[00:21:47] And 

[00:21:47] Lauren: this goes back to, you know, you're trusting the profession, they're the professionals, right? So you're trusting their guidance, their treatment plan. Everything that they're, they're, they're, they're saying. 

[00:21:58] Tirzah: It's a power dynamic. 

[00:21:59] Lauren: Yeah, you're putting that trust into their hands. And ultimately we came to find out that they were never going to work. And that's because the test that they used was so antiquated that it didn't even tell, show them and let them know that, hey, there are no tubes in which, there are no tubes for this to work. 

[00:22:23] Tirzah: So, yeah. So we ended up transferring after this cause IUIs cause we were like, we're definitely not doing, doing IVF here. Go to conceptions. We actually started at conceptions at the very beginning of our journey, but then this free thing, this shiny free thing came and we were like, woo. And so we went that, which honestly was a big regret, looking back on it. 

[00:22:46] But at the time, that's the decision we made for us. And we went to conceptions, they did the proper test, HSG test, and they found that both of her fallopian tubes were blocked. And that moment was probably one of, one of, not the only, cause we have more, but one of the hardest moments of our journey, we just felt so, so what's the word?

[00:23:10] Screwed over, blindsided, just like really, like malpractice. Like we started going down this rabbit hole of like, do we sue? Do we have a malpractice case, like all these things, because we wasted six vials, which are $800 a piece. Plus like a year of our lives, plus all of our emotional rollercoasters plus all of the things she was going through with her body, doing all the injections and hormones right.

[00:23:39] Like we could have, it was a really, really bad moment. Very dark moment for us, we were really, really upset. And I remember like we were emailing our new conceptions doctor, like this massive list of questions just being like, what does this mean?

[00:23:56] And how like, cuz we were trying to build a case to be like, can we like, do something about it? But then that clinic ended up shutting down. So that was like a feeling of like, okay, well at least no one else is gonna go there. Oh. And I forgot to mention one more thing. Lauren was doing one of the IUIs, the doctor, do you wanna tell the story cuz you were there? I don't wanna. 

[00:24:17] Lauren: Oh, no. I mean, yeah, they almost gave me the wrong vial. I guess there was another Lauren, at the time, they were like, asking about my partner and his, and I was like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was like no, we have a donor. I do not have a male partner. And so they kind of like walked out of the room and they were like, oh, well that's why the, the, these, you know, protections are in place, yada, yada, yada. 

[00:24:51] Josie: Gosh. Wow. 

[00:24:52] Lauren: And I don't, to be honest with you, I don't know if there was another Lauren in the building. I think there was just another woman.

[00:24:57] They were probably like Which one are we, you know, working with today? 

[00:25:04] Tirzah: So that was another really bad moment in that clinic. All around just glad it closed. Glad it closed. Cause yeah, then we felt like, well, at least no one else will have to go through that same experience. Right? So we go to conceptions and we find all of this out.

[00:25:19] So that was a really hard moment, but that's when we moved into a better clinic. It's still hard because I think you want to feel so held and so supported and cared for and that's just not the reality of a fertility clinic. That's not really what the doctors are there for. And so that was a little bit hard because we had gone through this trauma and so I was craving more than, I mean, we're both social workers and just like bleeding hearts. 

[00:25:47] And like, I know for me for sure it was hard for me at first cuz the doctor was kind of like, very matter of fact and da da da da da da. And so that was kind of like, oh, okay, this might not be the type of care we received, but it was way better than what we were doing. 

[00:26:03] Lauren: And I was more of like, I don't care about your bedside manner. As long as it works. Like if you're at this point, if you're efficient, and effective, I don't care about the cuddlies, you know, like just like, is this going to work? Tell me your plan. 

[00:26:23] Josie: Unfortunately, our bar is quite low. 

[00:26:27] Lauren: Yes. Right. There's so many different supports out there, that for me it was just more so about like, okay, I want to go to a clinic where they're gonna be effective. 

[00:26:43] Tirzah: And, and the nurses were really, really filled that void. It was really cool to experience. They were just, they, they were more of that like caring, supportive, kind of really involved people in the process. Oh good. 

[00:26:59] Lauren: We worked with the nurses more than anything. Yeah. Right. So it's kind of one of those things where like, okay, that feels good. 

[00:27:04] Tirzah: Okay, so moving on. Do you wanna tell the next part what happens next? In the story?

[00:27:11] Lauren: What happened next in, the conception?

[00:27:12] Tirzah: Oh, you can't even remember. 

[00:27:13] Lauren: It's been such a journey. I'm like, where were we even at? 

[00:27:19] Tirzah: We did a retrieval process. 

[00:27:22] Lauren: The retrieval process was a wild one for me specifically. I'm much older. 

[00:27:31] Tirzah: You're not, you're three years older. 

[00:27:32] Lauren: I'd say much older. Much older. 

[00:27:34] Tirzah: But that's why we decided for Lauren to go, yeah. 

[00:27:37] Lauren: For me to go first ultimately. I'm older. I won't say much, I'm older. And so we decided that, it would be me ultimately that would be going first you know, in IVF, and let's just say it was a battle to get any eggs out. 

[00:28:01] So the, the eggs came out, but the quality just unfortunately, you know, due to age, I think just due to life experiences due to hardships. For me it was, it was much, you know, my egg count was a lot lower than yours. But I ended up talk about a fight, you know, I fought for our little eggies, I fought four rounds that I fought.

[00:28:32] You know, you don't wanna talk about, the cost of that. It was one of the things, again, when we sought out on this journey, it's not really something that we anticipated, but also noting that that's not everybody's experience. But, you know, there are these experiences being had out there.

[00:28:51] And so, you know, first rounds, we got one. And then, you know, outta all of the eggs, we got one viable, still viable, but still it wasn't the best quality. 

[00:29:10] Tirzah: Yeah. They give you, like, they'll tell you if it's viable or not, and it has to go through all these stages and processes, and I'm sure some people know this and some people don't.

[00:29:17] Like for us, we didn't know any of this. It was just so much that we're like, no one teaches you this in school. Like, we don't know our bodies, we have no idea what's going on in there. Like it was, and then of course, sometimes the doctors, they're not explaining it to you in like a way you can fully understand. And so it's just a lot.

[00:29:34] Lauren: It's a lot of education. A lot of, a lot, a lot, a lot of education. If there's anything, listeners, educate yourselves. Because, there's so much coming at you at any given moment in time. That it can be overwhelming and you're just like, what does that mean? What does this mean? What are, what are, what are these numbers? What is, what are these genetics and everything? 

[00:29:58] Tirzah: And a lot of it's like acronyms for things, and you're like, what does that even mean? But basically the one viable embryo was also a low grade. So it's like, in a typical situation, you would have more than one and they'd be like, we want you to, we recommend you use this.

[00:30:14] If you think of it like A, B, C, D kind of thing, like an A is a best one to use, a D is not as good, right? Or C, so the one we had was the only one we had, but it was a lower grade. So then we ended up doing transfer, right? 

[00:30:29] Lauren: Yeah. We did transfer. We weren't successful, which, you know, they kind of, they anticipated that that could potentially, you know, be the outcome. However, we were so early in that process in IVF that we were like, okay, well we're going to, we're gonna go again. So we did another round and of course, you start out with 13 eggs and then it's like, okay, we got six eggs that made it a blast.

[00:30:55] And then from those six eggs, we got five of 'em that, you know, are good and we're gonna send it to the lab for genetics. And then, you know, genetics calls back and they go, all five of those are shit, sorry, we're not supposed to 

[00:31:09] Josie: No, no, you can curse. Go ahead and curse.

[00:31:12] Lauren: But you know, it's just like, yeah. That comes back and you're like, oh, and that's another blow. That's not a blow that you were anticipating. You're very hopeful, and I think from that we were like, in this fight, we're like a battle.

[00:31:30] It's like being on the battlefield, right? We're like, no, you know. That's not where the story ends for us. So we got those back and they were like, they're all bad. There's, they're, you know, there's nothing viable.

[00:31:42] Tirzah: And then the worst, sorry to interject. Cause the other worst part about it is that you feel like you have to start all over again.

[00:31:49] You are, you're starting all over again. You gotta go through the entire process and then you have to wait another month because you can't do it right away. And then you gotta wait, and then it's like the cycle of your period and everything. Right. And then you have to go through this entire protocol of all these medications, all of these shots.

[00:32:04] It's really hard on your body. And Lauren did that four times. Which amazes me, honestly. So yeah, after the second, 

[00:32:12] Lauren: The second time, nothing. We're like, ok, we're gonna go third time. Nothing. We're like, at this point, you know, it's, we, we really had to have a come to Jesus moment. It was just like, we were like, okay.

[00:32:27] What is our plan? What are, what are we looking like? I was starting to, you know, look up articles on like, how to mourn not having your own biological children. Like, I was really just coming down just trying to settle into the fact of like this is it.

[00:32:46] You know, I can't, am I gonna be okay with just not having any children of my, you know, our own. 

[00:32:55] Tirzah: That's important. 

[00:32:57] Lauren: But of me. And just trying to settle into that fact. Really doing some soul searching and some meditations around this. 

[00:33:08] Tirzah: I get sad thinking about it.

[00:33:10] Lauren: But if any, anybody who knows me knows that I am a fire, I'm rabbit holing, I'm going like like, no. You know? And so I came to the point where, you know, Me and Tirzah had this conversation, I was like, I'm gonna try one more time. And this is it, like, there's no going back.

[00:33:33] One more time, we'll do one more retrieval. You know, I did everything, you know, I, like, at that point I hadn't been drinking, I wasn't doing anything or like, it was like, okay, I'm gonna have, you know, eat vegetable, you know, like I was on the, I was on the regimen and I was just like, ok.

[00:33:52] And then, you know, we ultimately did the retrieval. I actually ended up in the hospital after that. I had like OHSS, which is the ovarian hyper simulation syndrome. You know, to the point where my ovary just swelled up. I had a hematoma. I was like, kind of like basically hemorrhaging on the inside.

[00:34:20] And unfortunately when they do retrievals, they're taking these really large needles and, you know, removing the eggs and sometimes there's a chance that it could hit, you know an artery or whatever. And that unfortunately just happened to be my story at the end. So I think for us it was like, well, we were gonna do it one time anyway, and then, Now we're really not doing, you know, any, like this is, this is definitely it, right?

[00:34:46] Because after that experience, I just, I was like, okay, well, you know, whatever we get from this, we get. I'm just, again, just settling into that, to that fact that it's not gonna happen from me. The experience in the hospital when we initially got to the hospital wasn't the best either because I went to the hospital, they ultimately were like, oh, you're, you know, they, they were like, you're pregnant, so we can't do a CAT scan, scan to see what's going on in there.

[00:35:19] And I was like uh, no. I was a hundred thousand percent let you know that I am not, but it was from all the hormones and everything. Just the experience, again, being a woman of color, right in these spaces, you know, they're like, what are you talking about? You know, we're the professionals. It's like, no, actually, let me, let me just say what I need to, you know, just like, basically like, no, hear me. They, they didn't care at that time. 

[00:35:47] Tirzah: Ugh. I have to, I have to cause this, this was so hard, so hard. They refused to give her the CT scan based on hospital policy. That you can't be pregnant. And what was so hard about that moment was it was that realization of there is no absolutely sensitivity or understanding or understanding your education around queer couples.

[00:36:10] How they're having different experiences. This is like a classic example, right? Of an institution that doesn't know how to support queer couples. Because we were going through IVF literally that morning. Right. This is why, and she was in so much pain. She had so much distension. She was dizzy, what's the word?

[00:36:31] Distension. She had, she was dizzy. She couldn't stand on her own, she couldn't go to the bathroom like this was, this happened all day. It was really hard. I do wanna mention this because I think it's important, but we did end up calling the doctor and the nurse from the clinic and it was advised for her to wait six hours to see if she felt better.

[00:36:56] And I do feel like that was because your a person of color and because there's this narrative around your pain isn't as important or valid. And I think that was what happened. I truly do. That was very difficult. And so we, like, we had a few friends come over cuz I wasn't home at the time, which was really hard to but when I got home it was this like decision of no, like we're not waiting six hours, you have to go now.

[00:37:24] Cause she was clearly not okay. So then at the hospital, she's in a ton of pain. It's really, really bad. And then they're saying, sorry, you can't get the test you need to get. Which was like very, very, very hard moment to navigate. And I will mention, the doctor did say to us, is it possible there was penetration?

[00:37:46] Josie: No. Oh my God. This is so unacceptable. All of this is so unacceptable. 

[00:37:58] Tirzah: It was horrible, And it was like, okay, do you say that to your straight couples? Did anyways, I could get really vulgar with it. I'm not going to, but it was, it was really, really hard moment. They also did a lot of un unethical things. We have a friend who is a paramedic, and I was talking to them about the experience and I was telling some of the things that they were doing, and they were like, that's completely unethical.

[00:38:20] That's not okay. For example, they drew like multiple vials of blood and just left them in the like in the room we were in and never used them. They didn't give us that test. They ended up giving us an ultrasound instead to see what was happening. And I remember saying to the ultrasound tech, I was like, since you're in the area, can you check if she's pregnant? So that we can, so you can see like, there could have been a way to go about it.

[00:38:44] Like, Hey, let's, like, if you're worried that she's pregnant, let's verify she's not pregnant, and then we'll get her the CT scan. But like, they just looked at me, like I was biggest idiot ever. And were like, oh, we don't do that. And I was like, okay. But like trying to like advocate for her as the person who has the privilege in the relationship.

[00:39:03] She was in so much pain. There was also these moments where I, we were asking for morphine, like we were asking for pain medication. The doctor laughed. We didn't see anyone for an hour. Oh my God. The nurse came in and I was like, Hey, where's the morphine? She needs it now. Yeah. And he was like, what morphine? He had no idea. He went to go check, came, comes back and says it was never put in. Yeah. So the doctor has never even put in the order for the pain medication. 

[00:39:29] Lauren: Meanwhile, I'm sitting here, I am a medical social worker. I work for a hospital. So like all these things that I'm asking or were, were requesting, aren't outside of the norm or outside of the narrative. Being educated in this and working in the hospital field, you're like, and this and this, and they're just like, yeah, who are you? 

[00:39:49] Tirzah: They were treating her like she was, she, she was not that. It doesn't, whether you work there or not, you should get care. But we definitely feel like we were getting treated like we were nothing.

[00:40:00] And I remember too, there was a bunch of people, like who worked there, like nurses or whatever, who were just in that like holding area space in the middle of the emergency room where they kind of like are at their desk and I could hear them talking about us and they kept calling me her girlfriend and I'm like, you know I'm her wife.

[00:40:17] It just really a bad experience. Wow. They ended up holding you, they ended up admitting you for three days? 

[00:40:26] Lauren: Yeah, I went to and got admitted. Okay. 

[00:40:29] Tirzah: And I couldn't go with her because of COVID, and the policy was nobody could go. And so she was all by herself. It was just like, I was so devastated. It was a really hard time. What ended up happening after that? 

[00:40:46] Lauren: Ultimately, after, you know, there's a lot of introspection that happens and when you're in those spaces, especially the hospital and you're just kind of like. I was pretty much done at that point with this process.

[00:40:59] I was like hey, well this is it for me. Like, I'm not, I'm not moving any further on this path or this journey for me. I was like, that was the end of the line, for me. I was just kind like, okay, well, you know, this was the last time anyway. This was ultimately the outcome that we were experiencing at that moment.

[00:41:23] And I was, it was pretty clear to me at that time. Like, I was like, okay, it's time to, to move on. And figure out a different plan for us, you know, as far as like having a family. You know, we still had Tirzah, who hadn't gone through the retrieval process at that time. So we were like, okay, you know, it's like you next person, you are the captain now.

[00:41:45] You know, it's like, it's like, like your, your next womb up is like jokingly you said. 

[00:41:54] Tirzah: Well before we do that, you ended up having to go back to a hospital because even though she was discharged, it wasn't resolved. 

[00:42:02] Lauren: It wasn't resolved. And, and, you know, we can get into the, that's a whole nother area what's happening. It's like you know, with the. The, the swelling of the ovary that kind of moves other organs that starts pinching off other organs. And so that, you know, there was a complication with that ultimately, just like needed to be resolved. 

[00:42:24] Tirzah: And it just lasted a really long time. And it never was. And then we went to another hospital and had a better experience because we weren't asked about penetration and stuff. However, it was still like a crappy experience because they just didn't, nothing really ever got resolved there. And they ended up discharging us after saying There's something wrong, there's an obstruction, we need to figure what's going on.

[00:42:44] This might need to be a surgery to, we're gonna discharge you with a what are this thing called? The thing you had They discharged. 

[00:42:52] Lauren: I'm not even going there. 

[00:42:53] Tirzah: Ok. Well they discharged her with nothing. It was just like, now you can leave. And so that was a moment where I just broke down. I started crying and yelling and I don't know even know what I said.

[00:43:02] I was just so frustrated. Yeah. Cause she wasn't taken care of. Right. That was part of the process. After that is when we had our like massive moment of introspection and just like really took a major step back. What are we doing? 

[00:43:17] Lauren: And it was kinda like a what is gonna happen is gonna happen. Just like I think, you know, we definitely pulled back. Mm-hmm. Pretty significantly. 

[00:43:25] Tirzah: And the, it's not worth it. Like the pace we were going at with this pace that I was talking about back to back before, back to back to back to back. Yeah. Where it was like just do it the next, the next, the next.

[00:43:33] Right. Cause we just have to get pregnant. It was like for what though? So that she can go to the hospital and have all this happen to her. It was just like such a wake up call. To be like, this is not worth it. To be more thoughtful and just like, it's okay if things take years, it's okay if it's longer.

[00:43:50] We need to take care of ourselves and our bodies and like our mental health too. Cause it's so draining and it honestly took over our lives. Like it was everything we were thinking about, talking about all the time. Right, right. Like, it was just like we. We were just so obsessed with getting pregnant that like it really took over and it became this really big thing in our lives and our relationship.

[00:44:14] Yeah, and so at that point it was actually really nice because we were like, no, we're just not gonna do anything about this. It was the summer, it was about to be the summer, right? No, wait. 

[00:44:25] Lauren: No, that was in February. But yeah, we were moving into the summer. 

[00:44:28] Tirzah: We were moving into the summer. We decided like, we knew it was to maybe change bodies. And we were taught, having all those deeper conversations, and we didn't mention that after everything she went through, she got two embryos out of it. So she actually did. 

[00:44:43] Lauren: Out of all of that. So what we're getting to ultimately, after all of that, you know we get, they're probably like, we have five embryos that made it to blast.

[00:44:55] And we were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been there before. Sure. It means absolutely nothing, call us. And then, so those, those went off to, to lab. And then yeah, we got back two healthy embryos. 

[00:45:12] Tirzah: One high low grade. One low grade. 

[00:45:15] Lauren: Two healthy embryos. Two embryos that were, you know, were, that were put in the bank, so they went to the bank and we were kind of like, you know, that's what happens when you kind of just let go a little bit. Our conception journey continues with Tirzah taking over. 

[00:45:38] Josie: Before we go to Teza, I just wanna thank you both and Lauren specifically, so much for sharing that experience. I just, I feel like I get a little choked up even responding to it just because it feels like it just, none of that should have happened to you. 

[00:45:57] Tirzah: You're making me cry. 

[00:45:58] Josie: I know, I feel really emotional about it. It's just, it's like, I feel like us queer folks, and especially Black folks who in this conception process, like need to be extra special cared for. And it is the opposite. 

[00:46:16] So I just thank you so much for sharing. I think that it's gonna help a lot of folks to hear that story. And I think it'll, a lot of folks are gonna feel really seen, cuz I know that you're not the only one that has experienced, these unacceptable things. In the conception process and in the wellness spaces that we're, that we're all in. 

[00:46:40] Tirzah: And it feels good to share our story, and it feels good to hear that from you because I think that was another really hard part is that we just never got that. We were just like these little, I don't know, cogs in a wheel, in a system that were just getting passed around.

[00:46:54] Lauren: I'll tell you what it was, we were these little dollar signs roaming. It's like, here we are. Yeah. And it's something that I feel like a lot of times, medical professionals, you know, it does become about that. And, it's really important and imperative that we give back to those spaces of holistic care. Holistic, just like kind care. 

[00:47:20] Josie: Whole person care. 

[00:47:21] Tirzah: And like curious, like, why isn't this working? And let's figure out what's happening with you and what's maybe different for you that's not the same for everyone else? Or whatever is going on. So yeah, thank you for that moment.

[00:47:38] So we take this massive break. It was really needed. We went on trips. We didn't, we just like lived life without trying to have a baby. We had some really deep conversations. We ended up deciding that what made the most sense and almost now looking back on it, it was like, what was meant to be, is that I was going to carry Lauren's embryo.

[00:48:01] Which felt like a really special way to create our family that we weren't gonna originally do. It was gonna be her carrying hers and me carrying mine. And so with everything that happened, it just kind of worked out this way, but it almost felt like this so much more sense, like, why didn't we think about this the first time around?

[00:48:18] So it's, it's really cool. And so I ended up doing retrieval as well just because knowing what we had been through for a few years and how hard it was, I was like, let's just do this now. Get those embryos, you know, get 'em out, be done with it, right? And so I went through the retrieval process and ended up with five viable embryos, which is more than we'll need. But that was really nice to like, okay, this is it. 

[00:48:46] Lauren: We're gonna have every one of them.

[00:48:48] Tirzah: So that was really cool. And then once we did that I decided to go through the transfer process and using Lauren's embryo and, you know, it was, hard for me in the sense of the progesterone. The progesterone shot killed me, and I don't know why for Lauren it was no big deal.

[00:49:12] And for anyone listening, you all might have very different experiences with this. And it is, one of the hardest things you have to do. Depending on how your body reacts. The shots are oil, they're thick. It's very difficult. And so yeah, like basically paralyzed me. I was in some pain. I couldn't really walk, I couldn't sit, I was in misery.

[00:49:34] And it's hard because you do this transfer and it's like you need to be zen. You need to call, you need to invite all this positive energy, and I remember it said to me like, screw that. Just like feel what you feel like, I remember you gave me that permission one time and I was like, oh, okay. Cuz I was so stressed about like this, for whatever reason, the pain I was in like causing this not to work.

[00:49:56] And that was really scary. And I think there's been so much, what's the word? Just like, I don't know, just like holding onto, cuz this is, this is what Lauren worked so hard for. And so we have it, it's, that embryo is really special to us and so for it not to work would would've been really hard.

[00:50:18] And so any little external influence, we were like, no, no, no. Right. We can't have any. 

[00:50:21] Josie: There was like extra pressure for this to work. 

[00:50:24] Tirzah: Right, exactly. Yeah. Extra pressure. But luckily like we are happy to share that we are pregnant. 

[00:50:31] Josie: Yay!

[00:50:31] Lauren: Yay!

[00:50:32] Tirzah: Yes. It's so wild. I am 22 weeks pregnant now. And it worked.. And everything was like exactly what it should be along the process.

[00:50:43] They were like, this was a beautiful transfer and everything was perfect and then it was like the first ultrasound's, like everything's great and everything since then's been like that, we just did our anatomy scan, which is like a scary moment to go through just to make sure everything's good with baby. 

[00:50:57] Lauren: Yeah, and it is one of those things where, you know, we've been through so many hardships, you're just kind of, you're like, what's gonna happen? Like waiting for the other shoe to drop and you're like, oh, it's actually okay, we're good. Everything's moving along the way that it should. And so now we're just trying to think about where this kid's gonna go to school.

[00:51:18] Josie: Yay.

[00:51:23] Lauren: Now it's the realization of, oh crap. Yeah, this is really happening. How much is day care? 

[00:51:33] Tirzah: Yeah. And still like, you know, still some of that anxiety around like, let's get, get him out. Yeah. Right. And like, have everything good and you know, the birth plan and everything else, but it just feels pretty amazing to make it past this like marker that we kept coming to and just hitting every time.

[00:51:52] Yeah. Right. Like, we just couldn't move past this space. Right. Like, it was like, Get here. No, sorry, go back to square one, like monopoly, like, go back, whatever. That's how it felt over and over again. So it's really surreal to feel like, okay, we actually made it through. And I think just like believing everything's gonna be okay and trusting the process and you know, Josie, like, I'd come to see you.

[00:52:11] And I would share a lot of those thoughts around, I'm just like, I'm scared. Like, what if it doesn't, you know? Yeah. And, and so yeah, just having to continuously tell yourself like, it's okay. Baby's good, you're good. 

[00:52:23] Josie: Yes. I think that's a really common shift that I see with folks that I work with too, where it's like the shift from expecting everything to go wrong because that's been their experience up until this point.

[00:52:36] And then suddenly, and then things shift and things are going right and it's like they have to shift with that, to kind of be like, okay, things are okay and we're gonna be okay. 

[00:52:48] Lauren: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. It is a big shift. It's. Like I don't know. It, it's a great shift. Right. But you're just, you're, you're, you're trying to make sure you get yourself out of that head space, you know, that you've been in before. And just, you know, be happy. Yeah. And present. 

[00:53:08] Tirzah: Present. Yeah. And it's hard when you're pregnant to be present cuz I'm just like, I'm, yeah. I'm like, get me through this trimester. This sucks. I'm so sick. Yes. When's the last thing? Like, you know, like, can we just get the baby out so that we know everything's good? Right. Like, but yeah. 

[00:53:23] At the same time I am trying to, like, you wanted to be pregnant, you wanted to have this experience. Yeah. This is like a magical, mysterious, unbelievable thing that the body just knows what to do and the baby knows what to do and we just live with that and then like, and appreciate it because we did try so hard to get here and now we are. It's been a wild ride. 

[00:53:46] Josie: So incredible. 

[00:53:46] Lauren: It is a rollercoaster. 

[00:53:48] Josie: Yeah. Yeah. No kidding. 

[00:53:49] Lauren: Now on the rollercoaster of happiness right now. Yes. Good. 

[00:53:54] Josie: You've switched rollercoasters. 

[00:53:56] Lauren: Yeah. 

[00:53:58] Josie: So let's see. I would love to shift gears to talk about what you wish you would've known on your conception journey.

[00:54:06] And just for those listeners who are like about to go into this process or know that they will someday or maybe are in the beginning or middle of it. Looking back on your conception story, what do you wish you would've known or done differently? 

[00:54:21] Lauren: Oh my gosh. I mean, did y'all hear all stories? That story, I mean, there's so many, like, you know, eggs in there that I think not. You know, no pun intended. Yeah, it's definitely some takeaways that you know, I think going back and looking back, we definitely would've educated ourselves a little bit more about the process and the expectations of what the process looks like.

[00:54:50] I think you get so caught up in the movement moving pieces that it's just like, okay, let's just sit with this a little bit. Let's, you know, watch as many YouTube videos as we can. Let's, you know hear other people's stories, right? 

[00:55:05] Tirzah: Let's listen to Josie's podcast. 

[00:55:09] Lauren: And, you know, really getting an idea of what we were getting ourselves into. Just the education piece. There's so much that we don't know about our own bodies. It's, it's wild. And what fertility and reproduction look like when you're going through IUI or IVF it's just, you know, it's intense. Like, I mean, there were times, I think there was one time we did the transfer, right.

[00:55:39] That we, I wasn't getting my period and we were just like, oh my gosh, this could be it. Oh my gosh. Come to find out those are the medica, that's the meds. 

[00:55:48] Tirzah: You're not gonna get your period. We had no idea because no one told us. 

[00:55:54] Lauren: So that's, so we're like, oh my God, this could be it. 

[00:55:57] Tirzah: We, we literally thought we were pregnant because that was the thing we knew from like our bad like sex ed classes we got was like, if you don't get your period, you're pregnant, kinda thing. So like, we really thought we were, and then the doctor's like, oh no, that's not something that you would ever have cuz you're not gonna get your period this cycle because of the medication. But if we had known that, it would've been really nice to have known that.

[00:56:20] So like asking those questions. I think the other big thing is to advocate for yourselves because being marginalized, having marginalized identities. Being, you know, whatever those marginalized identities are. But for us we have quite a few. You can sometimes feel like you can't speak up or you can't advocate for yourself or someone else who has more power over you knows best.

[00:56:46] Right. And I think a lot of the times that's how we felt. Even though we both are social workers and we advocate for a living and we're strong, we consider ourselves strong women, we still just like we felt, we would go into that place. A lot of the times with the doctors, cuz you're just like, oh, well that's what they're telling you.

[00:57:03] They know what's best and like we have like a, you know, a male, hetero doctor, white doctor, right. And like it's like those dynamics play into like intersectionality and just like, You know, these power dynamics of like, well, this white male person doctor with like all this credibility and experience and power, like knows those best.

[00:57:25] And I just think that's bull, right? Like in a sense of yes, they're the doctor, but that doesn't mean that you don't have the right to ask questions, and really make sure you're getting your needs met and make sure that you're understanding the process. And like if things aren't going the way that you know they should, or you, something feels wrong, then you speak up, you do something, you make a different decision. Like, we didn't do that as much. 

[00:57:49] Lauren: Be okay with changing providers too. I think there was just I think, you know, when we get into those spaces and places, especially with medical providers, we're just like, you know, they know best and you know, yada yada yada. But if it's not a, if it's, if it doesn't feel like a good fit.

[00:58:07] Do not be afraid to change providers. And don't be afraid to change providers at any point in that process. You want to be in a space where you feel comfortable, where you feel seen and heard and respected. Ultimately, if that's the case, if that, if you're not feeling that or getting that energy from the provider, it's okay to change providers.

[00:58:29] And I say that you can be in the clinic about to receive, you know, do an IUI and if it doesn't feel good, just, you know, be, be okay with that. And that's perfectly fine and acceptable. 

[00:58:40] Tirzah: Totally. I think the other thing on like a different topic is just. Which is so hard, and I can say this on a podcast, but I don't know if I was going to listen to this at the time, if I would've been able to like hear it, right.

[00:58:52] Is that knowing this could take longer than you think. That was the biggest thing for us is that it just like, it almost was like a shock to the system every time that it took so long. Cause we were just not expecting it. Right. And so I think if we've gone in being a little bit more like, oh, okay, hey, let's really understand this could be a very long journey.

[00:59:10] No one wants that to be the case. But if it is, like how we will work through that because it just, we just were not prepared for help it took. And like every time something went wrong, it's like filling a starting all over again was really, really hard. And also just like having a support system, having people in your corner, people you can talk to, of course, like people who've gone through it already is really awesome.

[00:59:33] Like, our friends are on the journey starting and, and we're so excited that we get to be these people. They're like, we can help support you through it. Cause like, we didn't have that, I mean, I had, I did have one friend who sent me like a list of questions to ask as we started IVF and like that was helpful to look at.

[00:59:49] But just, you know, relying on those people who have gone through it to help support you. Or just people who haven't gone through it, but are just in your corner who can help be there for you because it can be really emotionally draining and when you're both in it together, like we support each other, but also like we're in it.

[01:00:07] Lauren: Outside supports are really important. And it's also important, you know, cause our journey did take a lot longer than we had anticipated or expected. Is to remember to be mindful of your own personal relationship with each other. We can get so focused on, you know, what's going, like, what's the next steps are that you forget to like, oh yeah, we need to make sure that we maintain this connection with each other as well.

[01:00:34] Cause we're going through this connection, you know, we're going through this process together. But we also want to maintain that connection because it can become everything and anything that you're thinking about. And you neglect, you know, that piece of it.

[01:00:47] Josie: Totally. Totally. Ugh, that's all such good advice. Thank you. 

[01:00:51] So to wrap up, I would love to, this is a question I ask all my guests who come on the podcast. In Chinese medicine, our fertility is referred to as our essence. So the more we're able to get in touch with who we really are, or our essence, the more access we have to our fertile potential and creative power.

[01:01:10] So, do either of you have any personal practices or rituals in place that allow you to connect with your essence or your Whole Self is what I call it? 

[01:01:18] Lauren: Mine has always been music. I come from a musical family, I have been in the music industry. I still have a little drum set, drum kit downstairs. I myself, like tapping into that, that musical element and that musical piece just like kind of sitting in silence and having, you know, whatever music gets you pumped or relaxes you or winds you down. 

[01:01:43] Music is in integral to every moving piece of my life, whether I'm in the vehicle, whether I'm in my office working, whether I'm here in the house, you know, just having music in those elements around me and being able to like outwardly project that too. Like by playing my little drum set downstairs. To, to my wife's chagrin. So, yeah, music is my essence. 

[01:02:14] Tirzah: And you have always, always do you have like a lot of hobbies and things that you'll really dive into. That I think is really good for you to just like, focus on something creative or yeah. Whale. I know, I wanna say something really cliche, which is like, I used to love taking baths, which has been really hard for me being pregnant because I wanna take a bath so bad.

[01:02:39] Lauren: I have not taken one bath. Because I'm like, I do not wanna make her jealous. 

[01:02:49] Tirzah: But that like alone time is really important to me. I've been journaling for six or seven years now. And I have like, so many journals that it's cool to like, be able to look back on this day last year and be like, what was going on?

[01:03:03] Especially with our fertility journeys. Yeah. I've, I documented all of that and so that's really interesting to like look back on. So I think that's a practice I've just started and just kept up. I'm not always good at it, but I try of course, like friends and family, just like having that community and support has been really, really important.

[01:03:26] And then yeah. You know, to plug for you, Josie, I think with the pregnancy, like, you know, having that, that support, that acupuncture, just knowing like, okay, this is good for me. This is good for the embryo now this is good for the baby. Right. And like, that was always a space too. That for me was very therapeutic too.

[01:03:46] Because, I just knew every time I'd come to see you, like we do our little check-in and every time I'd sit down on the couch like I cry, I would complain. I would laugh. I would, yeah, like whatever, all the emotions. And having a space to know that, like this is specific for this was really nice for 

[01:04:05] me as well.

[01:04:06] Lauren: I was well rested because I always fell asleep on the table for sure. 

[01:04:12] Josie: I know I always call it adult nap time. 

[01:04:15] Tirzah: Yeah, yeah. And naps. Yeah. Oh my God. I love, I love a nap. Especially now being pregnant, I will take a nap every day. 

[01:04:21] Josie: Nice. 

[01:04:22] Tirzah: Oh, and exercise. I love, like yeah, definitely both of us try to do that as well and figure out what makes sense for us.

[01:04:34] Josie: Oh, I love all that. Thank you. So I, both of you have really interesting and awesome businesses that I would love to give a shout out to. So folks who are listening know how to support you in the work that you're doing. If you want to tell people where to go to support you.

[01:04:53] Tirzah: Yeah, so I started my business last year because I was a burnt out social worker of 10 years and didn't wanna do it anymore. And so I was thinking like, what can I do with my life now? And so Lauren and I got married in 2019 and kind of went through that whole journey and process of planning a wedding and realizing how overwhelming it was and so many decisions we had to make and how to be intentional and some things I wish we would've done differently and all that stuff.

[01:05:26] And felt like there could be a need there that doesn't really exist. That I could fulfill with my social work background to support couples getting married to create a really intentional, meaningful wedding and to like sit back and take the time to really think about like, what do we actually want this to look like versus what do our family want or what does society want. 

[01:05:47] Or these expectations that a lot of us have to navigate. And so I created NearlyWed coaching, which is wedding coaching. So it's a coaching support for couples to create the wedding they truly want. And then I also ended up through that journey adding on premarital coaching as well. So that supports couples to strengthen their relationship before they enter into marriage with whatever that looks like for them.

[01:06:11] Yeah. So a lot of the times, this type of support would come from a religious institution, a church. And so as a queer owned business, it's been really rewarding and cool to be able to offer this to the queer community as well as anyone else who just doesn't feel like that's where they wanna receive this type of coaching. 

[01:06:28] And so I don't have an agenda. I'm not coming in like, these are the 10 things you need to talk about moreso what do they feel like they could benefit from, to have support within their relationship? The things that maybe they're struggling with a little bit or the things, the larger conversations they wanna have, but they just want support to have those conversations?

[01:06:47] I was really guided by that couple, and then I also decided to be an officiant. I was not expecting this whatsoever, but it kind of just started to make sense because a big part of wedding coaching is really focused on the ceremony because it's such an overlooked part of weddings in our society.

[01:07:07] And we, there's a real big value on the party, and the hosting and the food, and the drinks, the photograph and all of that. And it's not really as focused on the importance of creating your ceremony. 

[01:07:19] Lauren: How the hell are we all here? It's for this moment right here, but no. 

[01:07:25] Tirzah: And so I, with coaching, I would like to focus a lot on helping couples create an intentional ceremony. And then I was like, well, why don't I just officiate too? And then I officiated 30 weddings last year. I hired someone to help me so we can officiate more weddings. And it's also been rewarding with the queer space as well, because I think a lot of queer couples really want that in an officiant.

[01:07:48] They, that's such an intimate, like out of all your vendors, it's a very intimate role that person plays. Yeah. And so it's been really cool to support couples of all identities. So that's just taken off. And so those are the three services I provide as well as being a queer owned business. I've gone through this experience myself, now I'm in this industry that is very still a heterosexual industry. 

[01:08:12] It's very rooted in these gendered norms and traditions of words and language and ways of approaching couples that I was like, I have to do something about this. Yeah. And so another part of my business that I also didn't expect but is now here is inclusivity consulting for wedding professionals.

[01:08:33] Helping other wedding professionals really increase their inclusivity from an authentic place with education, with understanding why it's important, why it matters, and here's steps they can take my to be better. And be able to change the industry to be the industry that all couples deserve.

[01:08:50] Yeah. And so that queer couples can go to a wedding expo and feel like they're seen and, and heard, and really, you know, valued for who they are. Not just feeling like they're walking into this like, bridal only space. Including everybody. And so really just trying to do my part. 

[01:09:09] Josie: Oh, that's incredible. And then do you have a website or is it Instagram? 

[01:09:14] Tirzah: Yeah, it's both. So nearlywedcoaching.com and it's not newly, it's nearly, so it's a play on the folks who are about to become married. So you're nearly wed. And nearlywed.com. And then my Instagram is at @nearlywedcoaching. 

[01:09:30] Josie: Okay, perfect.

[01:09:33] Lauren: I mean, that's pretty big and spectacular. I don't know how I follow that at all. 

[01:09:39] Tirzah: You should have gone first. 

[01:09:39] Lauren: I know. I shoulda gone first. Yes, you just screwed me. No mine is a little, it's newer, right? Yours is new, but yeah. Way, you're way, way, way, way, way, way beyond where I'm at right now.

[01:09:55] But ultimately it's The Playing Field Limited. And what my ultimate goal is, is to put equity into sports market and, and collectibles and, and cards and things of that nature. So again, you know, you're going into an environment that is heavily male ethos, right? We're also presenting like, hey, there are other collectors out there.

[01:10:17] There are women collectors, there are people of color, there are queer folks who are out there who are really engaged in the element of sport. You know, sport creates leader, sports on all levels can create great leadership opportunity for youth and women and specifically, and men too, right?

[01:10:37] But that's a way that a lot of folks come together and learn about team building. So ultimately it starts off with sports cards and collectibles, but ultimately I would like it to be a nonprofit at a certain point and giving back to the community. Giving, you know equipment and, and whatnot to local organizations here.

[01:10:57] Just elevating, especially women in sports too. And non-binary, trans, the trans community as well. It's just like putting that equity, just saying like, you know, it's, this isn't one way of what sport, this isn't what sports looks like. In a larger, there's so many different elements of it.

[01:11:19] It's just like trying to put that equity out there. It's funny because I'm pretty sure folks who learn about The Playing Field Limited, they're gonna be like, oh, that's a black woman, queer woman that learns, owns that organization because it is, you know, a common, common misconception is like, Hey bro, like, what's going on?

[01:11:42] I'm like, you have no idea. You dunno who you're talking to. So it's pretty funny. So I'm sure when this podcast comes out, a lot of people, if they do actually they're like, oh yeah, I know The Playing Field. They're gonna be like, oh shit. Yeah, it's been a lot of fun thus far and, you know, just gonna keep pushing it forward and, you know, all are welcome in that space and all are welcome in my space.

[01:12:08] That's kind of the biggest idea and narrative. I wanna put out there.

[01:12:13] Tirzah: You didn't need to go second, that was really good. 

[01:12:15] Josie: No, I agree. 

[01:12:18] Lauren: I'm like, sports fans look very different, you know, they're all different. You know, we're all different, so. 

[01:12:23] Josie: Yeah, that's so true. That's awesome. And is there a website or is it mostly Instagram right now?

[01:12:30] Lauren: It's mostly Instagram and it's @_theplayingfield_, Can be signed on, found on IG. 

[01:12:37] Josie: Okay, perfect. And I'll include links to everything else, website to come. Okay. When it comes, let me know and I'll put that in the show notes as well. Oh, so good. 

[01:12:47] All right. Well, I've kept you long enough. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your story. I just adore both of you. So much to the moon. 

[01:12:58] Lauren: We adore Josie, and you know you're high on our recommendation list for our friends and family. 

[01:13:05] Josie: Oh, thank you so much. 

[01:13:07] Tirzah: Thanks, Josie. Thank you. 

[01:13:10] Josie: Thanks for listening to the Intersectional Fertility podcast. To get customized fertility recommendations based on your whole self fertility method element, join my mailing list at intersectionalfertility.com and get immediate access to my two minute quiz. 

[01:13:27] If you like the show and want to hear more, tap subscribe on your favorite podcast platform and please leave us a review. It really truly helps. The Intersectional Fertility podcast is hosted by me, Josie Rodriguez Boucher, and produced by Rozarie Productions with original music by Jen Korte.

All content offered through The Intersectional Fertility Podcast is created for informational purposes only, it is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.