Episode 72 - Candice Rose Valenzuela: Trauma Informed Solidarity and Vicarious Trauma (Part 2)

This is the second part of a 2 episode conversation with Candice (they/them), a Black and Indigenous queer human that is living and working at the crossroads of education, justice and community healing. 

Candice strives to be an ally to the Palestinian people, expanding on the concept of vicarious trauma in response to the ongoing genocide happening in Palestine.  This episode discusses the journey towards collective liberation, recognizing the effects of witnessing genocide even on screens, and healing through activism and taking action. 

[ID: A beige background and orange semi-circle. Text reads: The Intersectional Fertility Podcast Episode 72: Candice Rose Valenzuela @education_healing_justice and Jonas Rodriguez-Bouchier @intersectionalfertility.]

Candice wanted us to include an attribution to Leah Manaema's video that they quoted in the episode.
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Episode Transcript:

Disclaimer: This is an automatically generated transcript edited to be more readable. It may not be 100% accurate.

[00:00:00] Jonas: I'm Jonas Rodriguez-Bouchier, and this is the Intersectional Fertility Podcast, where ideas and identities intersect to deepen our understanding of fertility and ultimately our whole selves.

[00:00:32] Today we have a very important and exciting part two with Candice. I'm so excited and happy to have you back. And for those who have not listened to Part 1 yet, please go back and listen to Part 1, Episode 69, Candice Valenzuela, Decolonizing Performative Wellness While Healing Alongside Our Fertility Journey, Part 1.

[00:00:58] So definitely be sure to check that out if you haven't yet. And I also want to introduce Candice again. Candice believes that ancestral, community, and ecological healing are the most urgent issues of our time. They coach systems leaders, offer one on one counseling, and facilitate healing experiences at justice oriented institutions throughout the nation.

[00:01:21] In her free time, Candice enjoys writing, painting, and sharing their enthusiasm for nature with their seven year old. Welcome back to the podcast, Candice. 

[00:01:31] Candice: Thank you so much. Thank you for having me back. 

[00:01:35] Jonas: Yeah. Will you share with us again your pronouns and where you're joining us from? 

[00:01:40] Candice: Yes. I am using they, them pronouns and I'm joining in from Denver, Colorado, also known as the unceded occupied territories of the Arapaho, Cheyenne, and Ute people to name a few.

[00:01:57] Jonas: So I would love to talk to you about just about anything really, but what's been on my mind, of course, lately is Palestine. And we talked about it briefly during our first conversation. But you know, since then you and I have really been teaming up a lot around this issue and talking about it a lot and doing what we can.

[00:02:20] And I've been just so I'm learning so much from you and also comforted by what you've been sharing in terms of you know, how we can handle this information and this, you know, what's happening right now. You made a really incredible, important post a little while ago on trauma informed solidarity.

[00:02:42] So I would love to just kind of talk through that and help our listeners, you know, and especially those who are on a fertility journey and trying to kind of cope with genocide happening, you know, not only in Palestine, but other places of the world as well. You know, just how we, how we do this, you know, how we get through our day, how we you know, continue on and be powerful voices in this collective liberation and, and also just kind of, you know, get through our day and be on our fertility journeys and get through our jobs and that kind of stuff. So, yeah. 

[00:03:25] Candice: Thank you. Yeah. Yeah, I would love to speak more about that post. You know, so few words can actually fit on social media. And I really felt like it deserved more time. And and my time hasn't really allowed me to build it out more, maybe into blog posts or something like that. So I'm grateful for the opportunity to talk about it some more and expand and hoping that that's helpful for folks. But before I do that, I, I want to situate myself in that piece.

[00:04:01] In a few different ways. The first one is just kind of naming my emotional reality right now that I think is probably reflected in so many people is, and also my material reality. Let's start with that one. 

[00:04:14] So I'm someone who's seeking to be an ally to the Palestinian community. I am not Palestinian. I am not Arab. I have not personally been to the region or experienced any of these elements directly. And I think that's really important to name in this context because I believe that we want to uplift and center the voices of those most affected as much as possible at all times. 

[00:04:44] So I think it's important to like situate myself as someone who's seeking to be an ally, not someone who is an authority. in the matter. And so from that, I was even reluctant to share some of these things and wanting to always uplift Palestinian voices.

[00:05:01] And there are many Arab psychologists and therapists as well, who are sharing wisdom throughout the Diasporic community. So all the voices are really important. And at this moment where we are, Over 50 something days into a genocide that never should have happened. That's been 75 years in the making and, is still horrifying.

[00:05:27] The planet, right? I think to my knowledge, this is the longest that this kind of aggression has has been perpetuated. So, we're in something of a, of a unforeseen territory that I think has a lot of implications not only for Palestine, but for the globe. And there are lots of experts who are speaking about this much more profoundly than I would be able to.

[00:05:55] But I do think this is a time that is really important for people in power positions, you know, allied communities to be stepping it up because, it's horrifying, it's exhausting, it's beyond comprehension and as those of us who are, you know, living in relative safety and privilege in the belly of the beast, we have access to the ability to resource ourselves and stay committed and engaged in meaningful ways in ways that the Palestinians and folks in the diaspora are simply not biologically able, they are under attack. 

[00:06:32] And so this moment in particular feels like a juncture because rightfully, Palestinian voices have been in the lead, rightfully, you know, and they're doing that at the expense of their own bodies and their own communities for the sake of survival. 

[00:06:48] And that's something that is so painful about the reality of being an oppressed person is that you don't get to just suffer. You don't get to just experience and try to survive what's happening for you. You have to fight for your humanity at the same time and do a labor from, you know, as a trauma therapist and someone who focuses this, this is what my work is committed to.

[00:07:18] I experienced and think very deeply about what that means to be at beyond the capacity of your own body and spirit to even just survive, which is a, which is severe, severe form of traumatization that, that echoes for generations. But from that place, from that place to then have. The burden of educating the world of revealing that suffering.

[00:07:50] There has been no privacy, no sacredness to, to, to the, to the loss of, of all of these lives. And so, that post was inspired by me reflecting on these pieces and wanting to offer tools for those of us primarily in communities expressing solidarity to have some framework to help us access our resources for the long term.

[00:08:28] And there's so much more that I wanted to say. I would like to make kind of a complimentary post on, for example, vicarious traumatization, also from a solidarity lens. Because I think that is a big part what what we were talking about here. And that leads me to the second layer of context that I want to add, which is like, what it's like to be, you know, a Black Indigenous person witnessing. 

[00:08:59] And then from that perspective, you know, there's, there's matters of degree, right. In terms of experience and closeness and ability to empathize with an experience. And so this is not my lived experience right now. That needs to be named and there's an embodied genetic knowing of the ways that these tactics have been utilized against my people.

[00:09:35] Yeah. And what it's like to be a descendant of those processes. Absolutely. Where within the West on occupied Indigenous land, where Millions and the estimates are all over the place, but we know for facts that millions of indigenous people were wiped off the face of this land. Their sacred burial sites and graves continue to be disturbed to this day.

[00:10:15] To this day, there's, there's still a requirement that when people build when, when industries come and build, they're supposed to have surveyors to, to look for bones. Like, what does that say about this land? That anybody seeking to build has to be aware that they may find bones of unmarked graves.

[00:10:37] Right. And, and most don't even care. They just, they just move right ahead. And to this day, Native people here are fighting to have their burial sites be respected, right? So that, so that the, the ancestors and, and their, their remains don't even get to rest in peace. There's no peace. On colonized land.

[00:11:00] Right. And furthermore, then to, to recognize that in order to replace the labor and build a nation, how many millions more.

[00:11:15] Murdered and genocided in cold blood to to be brought across this ocean for African peoples to become the labor force that built this country. And the enslavement of African people has never ended from that time on the continent. You know, whereas here, you know there's been various shifts, but there was a I, I really want to find her I can't remember her name.

[00:11:41] There was an Indigenous Australian therapist who shared a number of things that, that were. Really instructive and profound to me. I need to find this creator cause I want to quote her right now, but I can find it and send you the link later. But she mentioned that the level of violence that we're witnessing is a level of violence required to separate a people from their land.

[00:12:08] And that, that I felt that in my bones, right? That yes, that this is why this feels so familiar. This, this feels that I know, even though I don't know. Yes. Right. Yeah. And she talks about then how, you know, if that colonial project is successful, if you will, right, they're able to seize the land, they're able to build their nations on top of it, that then that violence gets coded within the system itself.

[00:12:40] Totally. And then that's what I feel so resonant and knowing around is like what it's like to be the descendant and then somehow through the skin of our teeth, to have survived through the generations, you know, and, and thinking about how much I understand about that context. I know that. Right. In exchange for this relative safety of like, there actually isn't safety, but you know, I'm not being bombed or stabbed right now, like for Christ, you know, Christ sakes.

[00:13:13] Right. But it's like. In exchange for what? Loss of language, right? Loss of culture, no knowledge of self. Like all the themes, the cumulative health impacts, you know, black indigenous people have the worst health outcomes in every single every single indicator that you can imagine, right? So you're sort of allowed this tentative half life.

[00:13:42] Right. On the land that you, that your people were severed from, and then we call that freedom. Right. The freedom to go buy a cup of Starbucks coffee, the freedom to forget where all of the materials that made the coffee and the people who labored on the coffee and the people who worked the land and the lives that were lost so it could get to you.

[00:14:08] That's what freedom looks like. 

[00:14:11] Jonas: Wow. Totally. Yeah, thank you for giving us that context because that is absolutely the patterns that have played out over and over and that's why this is so familiar to folks. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right. 

[00:14:32] Candice: And so there's a way that, you know, life, the processes of life here are stupefying.

[00:14:39] We are not supported to, we have to work hard and go out of our way to politically educate ourselves and continually awaken from the American, propaganda and ideological processes that keep us in the dark about what's going on in the globe. And I've noticed how these processes, were acting on me.

[00:15:03] So in my college years, I was very active. Many of us were, I mean, that's when I was politicized. I, I had many different experiences growing up, but I didn't find the language until I went to college and and was radicalized through getting language to understand my lived experiences, taking courses on globalization where you understand, you start to see how that is the mark of imperialism, you know, across the globe. 

[00:15:34] And then, you know, when I was in college was the the beginning of the Iraq war, right? So then we were in the streets and it was a moment. That felt similar to this one of mass awakening, I'll say this feels more profound though, but there was a mass awakening and I was a part of that and I spent the next 10 years of my life in some form of political activism or political struggle. 

[00:16:04] And then I became a parent and I think that's where it connects to the theme of your podcast. And I think all the process, because you have to do so much labor to remain awake within a society that is invested in your, stupor.

[00:16:26] And then when you combine that with the ways that parenting and caregiving are completely unsustainable and unsupported in the culture, my relationship to political struggle really, really changed. And I really admire people who remain so in the front lines. Of struggle throughout their parenting journeys for me that didn't happen and it didn't feel it didn't feel possible.

[00:16:56] It felt like I had to use I shared some of my birth story in the last episode, so I won't go back into that, but I had to use it felt like I had to use any bit of. Excess energy that I had to survive or to eek a crumb of rest and it felt clear and true to me that I needed to center my child, my own child, my own descendant.

[00:17:22] And that, and that, and I stand by that, that was the right decision. But in the process, the impact of that is I've noticed, especially in this moment, which has been the part of my solidarity work, excuse me, is I've noticed how over time certain certain aspects of my political analysis became weaker. Weaker, vulnerable to.

[00:17:49] Propaganda, just not as sharp. And there are a lot of there's actually a lot of information about this around how in the context of families and so on, many people begin to politically slide right. Huh. Interesting. Yeah. Some of that is I think privilege and selfishness of just wanting to, the more you have, the more you want to protect the privilege.

[00:18:13] But, but in my case, I still don't have a, you know, a ton of privilege in the context of the U.S. Context. So for me, it was more about being isolated and just not simply having as much access. To those political communities that I was a part of, especially when a lot of those communities didn't center wellness.

[00:18:36] And I was a deeply traumatized person, disabled by my birth. So it felt like, you know, I have to choose my own life until we can make our movements more accessible. Right. And and, and then the long term impact of that, my child is almost eight. Now, so eight years of not being, you know, there's certain pieces of analysis.

[00:19:00] I think my frames around like gender and. Reproductive labor and the psychological analysis of oppression got much stronger. But when it comes to imperialism and global, absolutely, I, I slid and it wasn't intentional. It was just a thing that happens when you're not in active study. That's been a big learning and in this moment feels like, and I just want to kind of normalize this for folks in our community. 

[00:19:34] That when I think about our political journeys, I think they should be journeys of continual reawakening. There should never be a moment where you're like, okay, I just get it and I've just got it. Yeah. You know, that wasn't how I was trained. And I, and I don't think that that is how the human experience works, you know, I think to be awake, to be alive and to, to reclaim our humanity, has to be an active process again and again. 

[00:20:10] And so I think I just share that story. There's been a lot of you know, shaming of folks like, Oh, y'all don't get it. You're so privileged. You don't know, you don't know this, you don't know that. And I think that there's a place for that. I think there are folks who need to take that feedback seriously.

[00:20:28] And I also want to visibilize. These more nuanced experiences for less privileged people in the U.S. That also sometimes survival processes can take us out of movement, but we get to return, right? And, and how do we metabolize that learning, right? How do we come back again, again and again?

[00:20:52] And so this has been a political reawakening for me. I don't want to position myself as some kind of expert or somebody who's always gotten it. I'm always being re educated. And for me, that humility That willingness to be like, I was wrong. I didn't get it is actually the foundation of true political work.

[00:21:20] And I don't say that to let people off the hook, quite the opposite, but that's your starting place or the mindfulness communities we call, you know, beginner's mind. To me, that is actually one of the most important. And it's also relevant to mental health as well. Actually, one of the most beautiful things we can give to ourselves in our mental health is this beginner's mind. 

[00:21:40] That I get to start over. I get to keep learning. I get to be wrong. And it's actually a beautiful thing to be wrong because we can I think our humanity lives in that. And so much of colonization, these processes is actually the opposite. The refusal, the refusal to engage accountability of any kind, the, the entrenched defense mechanism, the lies upon lies.

[00:22:11] So this piece of like, I'm teachable to me is actually a core piece of any kind of hope of decolonization is we have to be willing to be humbled to be wrong and to sit in that. And if, even if there's righteous anger coming from our Palestinian and Arab communities how do we sit with that?

[00:22:39] Right of like you know, one of my close friends, you know, she's like, shame isn't always bad, right? Every single emotion has a function. Yes. And the disproportionate shaming is a lot of what we carry through colonization because we're holding the shame of the colonizers that doesn't belong to us.

[00:23:01] Right. But the rightful. Element of shame is being shown when you were wrong. And, and being shown what you need to do to make it right. And to meet your fellow humans in that. So I think we have to be available for that, for like experiencing the shame, which is very different than internalizing it.

[00:23:22] Jonas: Totally, totally. 

[00:23:24] Candice: Of like, okay, yeah, we, so much of what is happening now is, is our responsibility because not only through our tax dollars and all of the obvious ways that like we're being

[00:23:37] the word I'm looking for is extorted. We're being extorted to fund this genocide. But if more people had been paying attention with urgency for longer, maybe it wouldn't have gone to this point. So there's a lot for us to sit with here, in the West and in our solidarity. Communities who hope to be in solidarity and work to be in labor to be.

[00:24:09] Jonas: Yep. Yep. That's such a good point. I wonder, so you mentioned vicarious trauma earlier. I'm kind of, I'm flipping through your slides on this wonderful post that you did. And I'm wondering if there's maybe one that you want to expand on to start with? 

[00:24:29] Candice: Sure. I was thinking, I mean, I could go through each one actually.

[00:24:32] Jonas: Yeah. Let's just go through them. 

[00:24:34] Candice: Okay. And give a little bit more context. 

[00:24:37] Jonas: Yeah. That would be perfect. 

[00:24:40] Candice: So I was struggling for the right, you know, words and I chose trauma informed solidarity because the intention, I wanted to be clear that this is not about me reinforcing people's need to self soothe in ways that are pulling them out of struggle or reinforcing the privileges we have in a, in a narcissistic way, right?

[00:25:07] That the heart of this is around being in solidarity. And the trauma informed comes from the acknowledgement of what I shared earlier that many of us who are moved to be in such Heartfelt solidarity comes from a place of Being in contact with our own historical and collective traumas. Yeah, so that was the the framing that I Was attempting to center and being clear that I see this as something primarily for, you know, ally in solidarity communities.

[00:25:46] I think the mental health aspects are can be different when it is your actual community that is under genocide. Right. So those are things I wanted to name. I don't think it's our place to tell palestinians. And the diaspora, how to cope. Or what that should look like. Right.

[00:26:09] So I also want to be really clear about that. Yeah. I'm thinking if there's more. And so the frame that I didn't quite expand on is that I think that we are talking about vicarious traumatization here and how to tend to that. So for me, to be clear, the way I understand various traumatization is maybe like two main points is that because of our biochemistry, we are literally evolved to be in deep connection in relation to each other on the land. 

[00:26:48] And despite what colonization has done, that is still our biology. That hasn't changed. Like our evolution in Indigenous ways of being is millennia, a legacy of millennia. Colonization is a few hundred years. It has not changed our fundamental biochemistry or physiology. 

[00:27:13] And so there's many processes around this that have been finally starting to be reinforced through neuroscience. What indigenous people have always known and have many different languages and stories and, and ways of thinking about this. But due to many of those processes, when we witness the suffering of other people. And we're awake to that, there's, there is actual, you know, documented research that shows that like many of those same things happen in our brains, in our bodies as what we're witnessing. 

[00:27:50] That is how immediate and direct that our physiology is set up.

[00:27:56] And so it's important. I think I was coming from a place of, of acknowledging that, like, the things we're feeling are real. They're not pseudo. It is. You're, actually experiencing that the brain is not very good, doesn't distinguish too much between seeing it in life and seeing it on a screen.

[00:28:21] Again, screens are also newer inventions. And so just the first slide says normalizing. Right. And so in my own journey, the process of normalizing trauma has always been a, such a key first step. It doesn't mean that we're bad or we're failing because we're not like strong enough. It has nothing to do with any of that.

[00:28:46] It's not a moral thing. It is literally the way our physiology is evolved. The only reason why we've forgotten this is because we've been colonized. Right. Yeah. And so starting with that and and so just starting from the, cause, cause what happens a lot of the times is when we don't have this understanding and we aren't able to normalize the trauma.

[00:29:13] it worsens. It worsens the symptoms and the traumatic impacts actually deepen, right? Our bodies, we can have a kind of a panic or a series of many different defensive responses to the process that's trying to happen. And that process of trying to like stuff or shame, or fight off the trauma always makes it worse. Always. 

[00:29:38] So that's why I always start with like normalizing it, you know, you know, the way it's set up, it feels, it might feel like it's going to kill you, but most of the time it's not, we are built to we're not built to withstand genocide. This is beyond our individual capacity, but we are, we are.

[00:29:58] In some degree built to be able to experience whatever's happening in our bodies, so my attempt is to give people some framing to understand what's happening in their bodies and how can we tend to it? Because to me, history bears out that when trauma is intended to, right?

[00:30:15] And those biological processes, we become cut off from that or are fighting that and everything. Okay. I see those mechanisms as being really connected to the the overall, you know, defensive, narcissistic, denying structure of colonization itself. Right. It's inability to look at itself. It's inability to experience its own shame, guilt, all the things.

[00:30:40] So you just keep killing and destroying so you don't have to feel. 

[00:30:45] Jonas: Yeah. Right. Exactly. Which I think is where white fragility comes from. Where it's like, there's no tolerance there for any kind of uncomfortable feelings and just kind of a knee jerk reaction right away to make it go away. 

[00:31:04] Candice: Absolutely, you know, and it's I wouldn't blame that all entirely on trauma, but I would say that trauma is part of the, a certain kind of crystallized, untended trauma, I think is part of the mechanism, but I wouldn't put it all there. You know, we can't reduce, I think there are also like historical and political processes, right? We can't Yeah, it's, it's, I think it's many different factors, but that, that is definitely, I think one. Can be one. 

[00:31:40] And I think that untended trauma can work in the other direction where it colonialism and capitalism in our context is set up to, I think weaponize that trauma. And use it to weaponize us against each other. Yeah. Like the people who are like, I just want peace. I'm neutral, all that shit. They don't want to feel it. Right, right. 

[00:32:07] So then you're the problem. I turn away. I keep cutting that off. So I don't have to feel right. And then the economic material system supports that. Right.

[00:32:18] And so because it's supported and it's comfortable, you can keep doing it, you know, so I see that those processes work together. So anyway I think normalizing the trauma is really important. And the other thing I want to say about the vicarious trauma, though, is that our body is experiencing it. As if it is very close to being real, while at the same time, at the same time, it's not actually happening to us.

[00:32:52] Right. You see? Yep. And so I, for me, the agency is being able to recognize both. Because when we enter, when we go in to feel those things, it's going to move through our bodies. But when, if we don't have a way to come back to the present moment and recognize that I'm witnessing, it's not actually happening to me, that can also be paralyzing in and of itself.

[00:33:17] Yes. Yeah. Right. We become paralyzed in and lose the sense of what our resources actually are in which we have so many, right, that are available to us that aren't available in the same ways to the people in Gaza. Right. West Bank and the Palestinian Diaspora. Right. Right. 

[00:33:40] So I see it as a both and where some people are like, you know, what's wrong with you guys? It's not actually happening to you. I think that omits this context of like no, there's an actual thing happening here. Right. The globe is being vicariously traumatized. Yeah. Yeah. We are being harmed. 

[00:34:01] And being forced. To watch our human family members. Desecrated like this. and held powerless. Yeah. Right. And how do, so how do we acknowledge that, normalize that, and remained also present to the resources we do have? You see, so that feels important. That I didn't feel like I could give as much words to in, in just a simple post.

[00:34:37] Yeah. But that was what I was really holding. Like, let's name that this is real and it's also real that we have access to this privilege and resource that we can put towards solidarity. So the first one is about normalizing, kind of like releasing the inappropriate shame of even having these emotional responses at all. 

[00:35:03] And, and then, you know, I've been talking about resources a lot. And to me, the trauma, this is oversimplifying it a bit, but in many ways, I think, I think I shared this last podcast, but I think of trauma as sort of being this like equation between like how much your body is forced into survival, mitigated against how much resources do you have access to to survive. 

[00:35:31] And those are not just material resources, but emotional and psychological resources. Right. Right. And something I was really holding close to my chest with this post as well is that there are no resources to the individual that would actually mitigate this. The only thing that would mitigate this is global revolution. Right? So how do we get there? 

[00:36:00] This level of trauma. And so that's what I was seeing and feeling. And so I was thinking, so that being the case and us having some disproportionate level of access to resources, how do we leverage those and remember that we have them and return to them again and again to fight for liberation and to tend to ourselves in the process and see that as being a part of that process of like, like I said before, like attending to that trauma so it doesn't get weaponized by colonial processes.

[00:36:35] Right. Right. Right. Which is what what the system wants. Right. We're, you know, many of us said this, you know, they want us to be desensitized, to be numb, to give up, to lose sight of what's available. Right. So how do we disrupt not only the material process of genocide that's happening, but the psychological process of deadening and Our psyches and destroying poisoning on humanity.

[00:37:07] That's a colonial process that's acting upon us right now. So I was thinking about that. And so I was thinking about like the little things I tried to do each day that I've learned through my own experience of living in this body and recognizing that they may not resonate with everyone, but if. It's helpful to some and helps us stay engaged in a long term struggle, then then I suppose that that's a good thing. 

[00:37:39] So the first thing I name is finding a flow in the body. and in that part I was thinking about again, just like needing to find outlets for some of that activation to go somewhere else. And it's not about releasing all of it. We're, we're not going to be able to, and some of it. We need to utilize towards liberation, right?

[00:38:09] Like that adrenaline, those, that rage, those things are leading you out to the streets. But when we have histories of trauma in our bodies, which we do, part of what happens is that the body, the body's mechanism for containing and managing these kinds of survival hormones. Actually gets, can become quite compromised.

[00:38:37] So that's part of living in a body with a history of trauma. It doesn't actually always know how to release these kinds of hormones or what level of activation is actually necessary. Right. It's almost like you, you know, have a car, but the brakes are worn down. Yeah. Right. So yeah, you want to get somewhere fast, but if your brakes are shot, what's going to happen, you can fly off the road.

[00:39:03] So that's what I'm thinking about is like being aware that yes, we need to utilize our anger, our rage and everything. And at the same time, our bodies are going to need support on how to do that but to minimize harm to ourselves and others in the process so that we can stay on the road.

[00:39:24] Yeah. Right. And so that's really what I'm talking about here and any capacity that folks can move their bodies, get out there. You know, and when you feel in particular, this post, I'm talking about when folks are noticing like numbness or desensitization specifically because those symptoms in particular are a way that our body lets us know that our activation has gone so far out of the capacity for us to deal with it.

[00:39:54] So in particular that I'm kind of honing in on, like, if you notice these things. If you haven't been already, now is the time. Right, and, and, In particular, I start with the body because some people will say like, oh, you know, step away from your phone, turn off, or whatever like that, that may not work for people either.

[00:40:16] Yeah, right. Because it's in the body. . So that's the first piece is like finding, listening to your body and finding a way to recognize when your own activation has gone to a realm that is self harming and to take action on that, you know, to move, to, to bring music into your into your space.

[00:40:41] And this is in particular to manage and avoid burnout. If possible, right? Starting with the body is the first one. So it says, when you notice yourself feeling numb or paralyzed, put down your phone and feel, act, or move your body. It's better to pause intentionally than to further dehumanize our relatives by idly scrolling.

[00:41:03] Ignoring our body's signals intensifies burnout, which leads to true desensitization down the line. Allow your heart Space to find a flow and grief, rage and rest release activation through shaking, kneeling, weeping, or dancing if that's available to you. So for some people, depending on their lived experiences, they may not have a lot of access in their body to being able to cry and things like that.

[00:41:26] And that's okay. It's just knowing that it's in the body and moving it, you know, how you, how you can interrupting the desensitization process and giving some space for your body to offset some of that activation. And really, I honestly feel for me, this also comes from like you know, marching every weekend.

[00:41:46] I'm calling, I'm doing the things and recognizing that, like, it's not enough. Right. And, and not having access to a more like what would feel right for me is if there is something very active that I could be doing like every day. Like I want to be there pulling rubble. That's what my body is trying to do.

[00:42:09] I want to be throwing rocks and pulling people out of the rubble. You see, so that has to go somewhere. Yeah. And And our bodies can collapse when, when that type of, that's the appropriate energy. That's the thing I should be feeling because I'm a human that's alive and in touch of the suffering you see.

[00:42:33] So just in a very raw sense, I think that's a big disconnect. Like so many of us, that's what our bodies are preparing to do. When we see that we want to go, we want to pick up that baby. We want to go and help get food. We want to help people get to safety. That's the immense amount of activation. That is what that is there to do.

[00:42:53] Right. And it's the right thing to do. Yeah. But we're barred from it. And I have so much respect and appreciation for the people who are chaining themselves to boats and blocking highways because again, that is what that energy is telling us to do. Right. And I think as we continue to build and find access to meaningful strategic.

[00:43:22] You know, civil disobedience, we have to tend to this, to this trauma, right? To this experience, I believe, right? So again, it doesn't get weaponized. And then, so that leads to the next slide that talks about, like, empathy is an action and recognizing that ultimately that's what the energy is calling us to do.

[00:43:39] It's not, and I think sometimes the empathy and the witnessing is an action, but it's the energy that the body is Arising evoking is to act right. You know, we were never meant to just watch something like that. Right. Right. And that's why just taking a break from social media is not enough.

[00:44:06] Right. If we step away that again, that. Engage, right? Engage, support your body, bring the compassion and then use also engage, use that activation to so in this part, I said, you know, set boundaries on social media intake and replace those minutes with time spent organizing, speaking and resisting. And again, it's, it's protracted.

[00:44:30] So you may not see those immediate. Things, but it makes a difference and what I've experienced is that when I'm able to channel the energy, it buys me more time. There is a sense of integrity. There's a sense of wholeness that can come in to replenish for the next round. Right. Yeah. 

[00:44:57] The next one I think also requires a lot of qualification. It says seek balance. The body seeks balance because this is a principle of life itself. For me, trauma is not bad. It's the automatic protective processes that arise when there's imbalance between harm and resources for connection, which is what I was saying earlier. Safety and empowerment trauma keeps us alive when situations are dire. As we notice trauma activation arise in our bodies, We're called to seek balance in our solidarity So for this one, I I didn't have time to write this but I also want to be clear I don't think there is any balance. 

[00:45:31] So I'm not talking about it in a sense of a, of, of objective sense of balance. I'm using the term as a verb. When you are, for example, Trying to balance on one leg or a skateboard or something like that. What is it that you're doing? Right? It's not standing still at all. It's this, it's, it's being, it's being actively engaged in a process of again and again and again and again and again.

[00:46:06] So that is the, the use of the term that I'm talking about. It's not about. Oh, there's some kind of like static equation. I'm using the term equation, for lack of a better word, but not like there's some equation of like this will, there isn't anything that matches genocide. Yeah. Besides global revolution and liberation.

[00:46:29] Right. Right. So it's more around the kind of active balance that it takes to remain upright. On a wave. Yeah. Right. We're on a wave right now. Global awakening, people are awakening to what's happening in Sudan, in Congo, in Tigray, right? This is going to require effort. We're going to get knocked down.

[00:46:56] We have to find our way back up. Yeah. Again and again and again and again. So again, the active, the active verb here. And in that balance, and I think in this post that I'm specifically trying to put attention to the, the, the kind of process internally, okay, that can support us to do that as well.

[00:47:19] So some things I thought about as being important is like seeking a balance in also what we're witnessing up until this point, many people haven't. Been as, especially if people, people that are like new to this, like, haven't been as aware of the Palestinians as a people, right. Or legacies of resistance, not just legacies of oppression, right.

[00:47:45] Whatever our legacies of liberation, what have people done historically. You know, to fight for their people, to reclaim their humanity, right. To liberate themselves taking the time to intentionally you know, build out your solidarity beyond reaction. Yeah. Right. There's a lot to react to. And if we're going to sustain long term struggle, we have to do more than that.

[00:48:10] So that has been very resourcing for me in my body. It does something to my body just to remember, like. Again, this didn't start yesterday. It didn't start on October 7th, right? And, and looking at those teachings, you know, how have our peoples resisted colonization? Who were they before colonization? Who are they throughout?

[00:48:39] What does resilience look like? What does celebration look like? What does our humanity in its wholeness really look like? I think that those reminders are so important because that's also what colonization itself is seeking to destroy. The Palestinians are being, they're, they're sitting up here.

[00:48:58] Talking about the side of their necks saying that they were never even a people. Like it's not even that we're just genociding you you never even existed. Right. Right. So I think that this is another way to show solidarity to imbibe to listen to, to learn the history to engage with any people

[00:49:24] being actively oppressed and genocided as a whole people. 

[00:49:29] And that also then mirrors and reflects back to us our own wholeness and how we also arise from such legacies of resistance and resilience and liberation. And that feeds. The body and the mind right to continue into the long term of like, we may not know how to do this as individuals, but we know how to do this as peoples.

[00:50:01] And that's something I always come back to again and again and again and again, again, at the hardest points of my life. Sometimes I haven't always had somebody there in front of me, but I remind myself. We know how to do this as people and my DNA has that memory too, right? So that's also a resource that we have to have the DNA of like, I'm still alive.

[00:50:28] Both of my peoples were actively, you know, genocided. So something from this moment will live on and we get to participate in what that looks like. Totally. and I think the rest of the slides all kind of speak to that. I think one more I want to share is. The one that talks about balancing forms of activism.

[00:50:54] We may start to feel numb if the amount of harm we are witnessing does not match the amount of actions we're taking to disrupt it, or if the actions feel fundamentally inadequate. So I spoke to this a little bit around like. You know, going to calling a Senator does not reflect the kind of activation that is here right now.

[00:51:14] Right. Right. And so I think there's also a call here for us to activate our radical imaginations. And it's been really, really inspiring for me to see people doing that. The people who are bringing arts to the actions, the people who are really thinking about like, what are the most impactful systems?

[00:51:35] To disrupt. Yeah, how do we get there? What does that look like? Right? That's what is needed So I said don't let horror sit in this pit of your stomach like a poison killing you from within. So like that activation that same activation that is Readying your body to dig someone out of the rubble, if that cannot go somewhere It goes inside and that's when it becomes a poison, because we were never meant to eat that.

[00:52:05] That's not what we are meant to do. Yeah. So we are called again and again, not to just like individually self care, that's not going to do it. That's going to just like maybe shift around some of the crumbs, but we have to find ways to community. We have to find ways to transmute that into the kind of mass creativity. 

[00:52:27] That we do have within us, we do, we do have that within us and to keep doing it again and again in a, in a cycle, in a continuous cycle, right? I said, digest it into power, dream into a truly liberated world and keep moving, moving, moving in that direction, finding your people along the way.

[00:52:46] And I was also thinking about how so many of us in this context live quite isolated lives. And that's also by design. And so, this can also be a process that helps us break those walls. And you know, you and I have been exploring that together. But I wanted to call all of us into that, right? How do we that's also what needs to be decolonized is breaking down all these artificial walls from each other that are there to divide up our power because we have a lot of power because we do have a lot of power.

[00:53:23] Yeah. And so, yeah, I mean, I, I felt and seen so many things in my mind's eyes of what liberation could look like. And the real work is moving it from the mind's eye into, into material reality. And we can only do that collectively. Right. There's a lot of like, you know, I think about like letting, letting grief and letting rage also burn down egotism.

[00:53:55] And individualism and purify, you know, and I think that's ultimately what those biological processes are there to do. They're not about individual survival. They're about collective survival and a way that if we are able to listen to it intended and wake up to it. I believe that our bodies. Can lead us right into liberation. And burn up and destroy, you know, you feel that rage you feel that stuff eating you inside Let it eat because it's eating up all the shit we don't need. 

[00:54:33] All the bullshit all the narcissism All the stuff that this colonial society has tried to indoctrinate us from birth. So I'm like don't fight that that's your humanity Support it. Let it eat up all the bad all that yuckiness inside and then let it out Yeah, you know and and the people that are doing that are your people you're maybe so isolated in this process. 

[00:55:04] It's hard to be here in this, you know Place, but this process led me to you and you, to me. And slowly, you know, these connections are growing and I find that inspiring and miraculous. and just a small, small reflection of liberation, you know, can bring. And that I think leads me to kind of the last one that talks about giving and receiving love. 

[00:55:42] I think there's a way that when we are kind of in an unsupported traumatized state the sense of alienation can sometimes cause us to also cut off from our relations and become resistant to receiving love and feeling like we're, like, we're not worthy, worthy of love.

[00:56:05] And so I have here, survivor's guilt makes receiving care feel wrong when our hearts are twisted with the pain of oppression. And so there's also kind of that thing where we can compare like, well, if you know, this horrific thing is going on, how dare I have what I need? You know, right, right. And so I was thinking about this metaphor.

[00:56:26] I said, yeah, "the heart is an organ of flow, life, blood, love can not only flow one way." I was thinking about how, you know, the heart is a pump and literally the blood is pumping, it's literally pumping through our whole body in two different directions. Literally, like that's what keeps us alive and I thought, Oh my God, you know, and the physical heart, but the physical heart is also connected to the spiritual heart, you know, and so it was thinking about, you know, perhaps we can imagine another way of engaging this moment that because we understand the sacredness and the preciousness of life, how can that move us to cherish the love that we do have, right?

[00:57:13] Instead of being like, Oh, I can't take this in because these people don't have it. I think that's what. Again, what colonization, that's, that's a weaponization of pain. Totally. You're weaponizing the pain against yourself. But instead it's like, well, isn't this what we're fighting for?

[00:57:31] Right. So keep that in the forefront, you know? So I look at my child and I've held her and appreciated her so tenderly. Throughout this process of like, Oh my God, you know, and I think that's what to me, the, the grief can do when it burns away and it edges and scratches away all of that shit. You're just left with what matters.

[00:57:59] And it's like, this is, is what matters. And for every parent to be able to hold their child like this, and that includes me. And we have to, I think, be able to receive that, to stay in touch with what it is that we're actually fighting for. There's hug your little ones closer, give people their flowers.

[00:58:20] I think about like how many things go unsaid, you know, tell people that you love them and you appreciate them. Like these are the bonds of love and community that fuel everything good in the world. So we have to protect that too. And let it refine your priorities, let yourself be loved through this.

[00:58:38] This is an antidote to dehumanization, right? So can we love ourselves? Through this is something that always comes back to any form of trauma. I can, I love myself through this. Can I be a part of the love that is, that is bursting through my body? That wants to end this genocide, right? Right. My ancestors didn't fight for me to be alive in this moment for me to throw myself away.

[00:59:13] Jonas: Right. Right. 

[00:59:16] Candice: And then, and then something happens even now, as I'm like talking through this something shifts, right? Something shifts. And then it's like, okay, can I actually be connected to that very land? To the things that actually matter in this world and how do we fight from that place? Yeah. 

[00:59:41] Jonas: Wow.

[00:59:41] That's so powerful. I think I didn't realize that what that feeling was of wanting to act and dig people out of the rubble was love. Like that's so powerful. I didn't realize that until you just. Named that. Wow. 

[01:00:03] Candice: Yeah. I think we need these conversations, you know, so the last one is kind of a little, almost like a, a prayer may our trauma not be a burden that slows or poisons the sacred work that must be done.

[01:00:18] I think that's my prayer for this rather let it be a portal calling us back again and again. To the lessons our ancestors laid in our bones for how to love, how to resist and how to win. May our loving attention to our body sustained present moment awareness. And this is the part I think we can be present to that we are still alive. 

[01:00:44] That if we are yet alive and relatively free, you have access to some bit of freedom, you know, the Palestinian child has access to a rock. Yes. That will still throw it at a tank. That's humanity. We have the duty and the power to stop this genocide. I've been praying every day. I'm ready.

[01:01:09] I want to see it happen. A general strike. If people just, you know, people are like, Oh, you know, genocide work life balance is so hard to go to work. Stop going to work. We have to be willing to put. That much on the line. 

[01:01:26] Jonas: Right. Just stop it. Just stop it all. 

[01:01:28] Candice: Stop fucking going to work. Right. Shut it down.

[01:01:38] And we as the American people did that. Yeah. We might start seeing something. And if we think the veil has been pulled off now, yeah, yeah,

[01:01:59] there's a lot to that. I'll stop because of the time, but I have more thoughts about that, about why, why people don't, but but that's, I think that's where we need to go. We need a general strike. And we need it, we need it for, for all of us. We need it for ourselves. Mm hmm. Yeah. 

[01:02:21] Jonas: Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah. I just you are such a gift, Candice.

[01:02:29] This whole conversation is such a gift. So important, like, I feel like I want to listen to this over and over and over again and just like absorb it through my skin. Ah, wow. Yeah. I'm so happy that our paths have crossed. I just feel so grateful. And yeah, I just, I think this is so needed and your voice is so needed and your knowledge and your wisdom is so needed right now.

[01:02:59] This is like just exactly I think what we need to hear. So thank you so much. 

[01:03:07] Candice: Thank you, Jonas. I mean, that means a lot to me worth more than I can say. These are tough times and like so many, nothing feels like enough. Yeah. So I'm grateful for any medicine that can be found and thank you for your trust in me and providing this space.

[01:03:28] And it's also been delightful to, to move, to move our friendships into new places. 

[01:03:36] Jonas: Yes, yes, absolutely. Awesome. Well, thanks so much, Candice, and I will be seeing you soon. 

[01:03:45] Candice: Yes, very soon. Take care.

[01:03:58] Jonas: Hi friends, I'm hopping in here to let y'all know how you can support Candice. Uh, We ended our conversation before I had the chance to ask them what would be the best way to support them. So this is what Candice said. "Keep posting, keep sharing. Keep showing up in the streets. And you can donate if you have the means and are able to, in Candice's name, to the Middle East Children's Alliance, also known as MECA," and I'll include their website in the show notes.

[01:04:27] It is mecaforpeace. org. Candace says, "Utilize anything this conversation has done to energize you, anything this conversation has done to give you tools to keep the pressure up."

[01:04:42] Thanks for listening to the Intersectional Fertility Podcast. To get customized fertility recommendations based on your Whole Self Fertility Method element, join my mailing list at intersectionalfertility.com and get immediate access to my two minute quiz. If you like the show and wanna hear more, tap subscribe on your favorite podcast platform and don't forget to leave us a review.

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